I'm Kinda a Germaphobe

Before kids, I never used to think too much about cleanliness. I went to college and lived in a dorm and I've worked in a nursing home without a care in the world. As a kid, I loved the feeling of a tickle in the throat. I knew that I would get to stay home from school and my mom would make me cream of mushroom soup, sugary tea, and tuna fish sandwiches. After having kids, though, it's a totally different story. I wonder if this is true of many women?

I say kinda a germaphobe cause I don't think my actions are too out of the realm of what everyone does during cold and flu season or when flying. My kids laugh and roll eyes as I meticulously wipe every surface of the airline seat before a flight....including the air vent. When they get home from school, I ask them to wash their hands. I offer up a squirt of hand gel here and there. I will bet that most parents find this normal behavior. I do not wash my hands till they are raw or avoid going out for a fear of catching something. However, my mind is another story. If it were up to me, from October till March I wouldn't make plans. I would have my kids be without boundless activities. Vacation during spring break wouldn't happen. It would basically be like before they were in school, where one season easily turned into another because the fear of the fall and winter cold season wasn't there. My kids weren't really being exposed to anything. It was heaven. So, most people really have no idea the anxiety that I move through everyday with very normal everyday situations. My anxiety is under control in that I do not let these things dictate my existence like I once did. I actually have far fewer incidents of them than I did at one time. Although, I know it will always be there, like the devil on my shoulder whispering the "what if's" but I no longer listen. It's freeing and empowering but still existing. I know this is true to many with anxiety. I am good at faking it till you make it. It's actually a beneficial skill that can greatly help people. It helps to put your mind in the right place even if you don't feel like you believe what you are saying. If I have a kid sick, I'm great at offering up reassurance. I can give them all the hugs that they need, sleep with them, tell them that their body is amazing and has exponential power to heal itself, act like a 101 fever doesn't freak me out. But, the second I hear a cough or sniffle, my heart drops into my chest.

Really though, I don't see it as a deficit anymore. It's just something that I have. However, I don't like when people laugh or make fun of people concerned about germs. It's important to remember that life experiences dictate behavior. My amygdala is just more reactive than yours. I watched my mom have a cough one day and die from lunch cancer 3 months later. So yea, even though I know that colds are common, sometimes my body and mind take longer to get there. What is going on today is not common....coronavirus: a germaphobe's worst nightmare.

I have been so calm about this up until the last week. Before I hear another person tell me to just turn off the TV, I have to explain that to some with anxiety, knowledge is power. Even if it's too much. It's the knowing of a threat and being able to plan for that threat...that is essentially why people worry. I'm not stockpiling like a hoarder and my hands are not bleeding from all the hand washing. But, my mind is definitely spinning. It's not so much that I will get sick. It's that someone I love will and that I have no control over how the general public is treating this. I can tell my family to wash their hands or cover their mouth when they cough but not the public. Anxiety is usually from a lack of control and this is a huge lack! I am trying to be realistic without overthinking but it's getting hard not to. So what am I doing? I am trying to get in nature everyday. Continue eating healthy and taking my supplements. Hand washing and using gel. Doing a clorox wipe sweep of the house daily. I'm still going to the grocery store and running my errands. For my brain, I find I am not achieving as much. I am going down the rabbit hole a bit on info. It is hard to calm my brain enough to meditate and I find my body constantly on the move trying to distract it from my mind. But, I am trying to journal more and that's where this post has come from. I'm not looking for compassion or advice. I don't need to be told not to watch the news or to just take a deep breath. I have learned to control my anxiety through lifestyle modification so I don't need advice on nutrition or working out. I am just figuring that there are others out there that are struggling a little, mentally, with this. Are you out there?

Thanks for listening.