Always A Simmer

I had some hormone and adrenal testing done a month ago and I am happy to report that things are balanced, even in the face of the intense stress of this pandemic. It's nice to know that my body is able to handle the load that it's been given. However, how long can a body be on simmer for? Like when you make a soup and it just sits on a low simmer. Nothing bubbling over, just low and slow. After pondering this question I came to a conclusion, I have been on simmer, bubbling away, for a LONG time. As far back as my preteen years, I have been a worry wart. I think what happens, though, is it just becomes a part of who you are and becomes unrecognizable. At least to me it had and I'm not talking about times of extreme stress like death of a parent, having a baby, covid, etc. What I am referring to is the everyday things that trigger anxiety in anxious people, like myself. I have never been ashamed to say that I have generalized anxiety disorder. An issue, for a time being, I was medicated for. I am proud of my journey of self discovery that came with it and the holistic methods I use to keep it at bay. Happy that I found the right balance of nutrition, supplementation, and many other techniques that keep me feeling good and not controlled by my anxiety. Of course, covid is like pouring gasoline on a fire that was just starting to smolder. It's been extra hard to have anxiety and move through it. The overthinking that is involved in everyday things, now, isn't a good practice for an anxious person to be taking up. My anxiety doesn't even allow me to get a cold and not predict the worse case scenario. So, you can imagine covid and how that might mess with my mind. Like I said, though, we are moving through it and handling things well. Day by day. It helps that we are all on the same page and that the pandemic, in general, has brought us closer as a family. The absence of the daily school rush and a million activities has ceased and also taken a stress load off of everybody. I know it's not forever, so I am trying to count the blessings in this shitstorm of a hurricane.

I had what Oprah calls an aha moment the other day. I have been busy transferring old videos from one computer onto a storage website. So, I've been watching a lot of old videos of my kids when they were younger and the one consistency in so many videos is me being anxious about something. Telling the kids not to go too close to the stairs, asking them to be careful while jumping on the bed, screaming "watch out" while they are having a dance party and I'm worried they might knock heads, etc. It was embarrassing watching this footage back and listening to myself...always scared. My kids laugh at the videos and my nervousness in them. I did, too, at first. The whole, "there goes mom again" thing.... The more I thought about it, though, I just felt sad for that mom. I don't realize that I am always on a low simmer, waiting for the next shoe to drop because I am simply used to worrying about it dropping. No wonder I'm sometimes quick to temper and sensitive to my body. I've been on some level of alert for a long long time. I have avoided the isolation and debilitating effects of bad anxiety. However, I have lost some of the joy that comes with everyday life. I remembered every fun memory I watched in those movies. So many made me smile. I just wish I could've relaxed and enjoyed them a little bit more in the moment of them happening. So, what's next? That I still need to figure out. I want to be more present. I guess the aha moment is the first step towards something better.