Surrender to 2020

Recently, I pulled a muscle in my back. Something that should have been better in a few days is still hurting 2 weeks later. It has ebbed and flowed. Physical in nature but with deep emotional cell memory triggers. The holidays can be stressful in good and bad ways. They can reach into your cells and bring you back to places and thoughts that aren't pleasant. Things your body has been trying to protect you from, now, have a spotlight on them. I am realizing that my pain is as much mental as it is physical and that release is the key to healing. However, it has taken me almost 2 weeks to get to that conclusion. Pulling a muscle can do wonders for your spiritual journey. I have had quite a few aha moments that I would like to share with you. I am hoping that they resonate.

1. It's hard to be vulnerable: I'd like to believe that I am a pretty vulnerable person. I am open with my emotions and share them freely. However, I forget that vulnerability means asking for help when you need it. It also means letting your kids be independent when you think you know best. Vulnerability is not having all the answers and sometimes rethinking your stance. It's being in pain but getting up to walk around anyways. It's calling someone that you are upset with and moving forward.

2. The upcoming decade scares me: I am so sick of the 2020 perfect vision analogy but it is the perfect analogy and spot on. I think I have been trying not to get too wrapped into it. I am not one for resolutions. Most resolutions fail by mid January. Although, I am one for larger concepts and working towards those. When I have a pain or spasm in my back I think about what I was just thinking about, what I am doing, or who I am talking to. I am actively looking for that emotional connection to the pain. When hearing an energy forecaster talk today about the start of a new decade...my back seized. It tightened up and was painful. I realized maybe I didn't wanna celebrate this New Year cause I'm not ready yet to jump into this decade. The decade when I will become an empty nester. It scares the crap out of me. As I type this my back is spasming. It seems like from the time you are in high school, there was always a plan. College, career, marriage, kids, etc.. The whole open ended question of what's next is the worst. I know many parents who celebrate and can't wait till college. They love when summer break ends and can't wait to kick their kids out the door. No disrespect to them, but that's just not me. It's something I have to work on. I am sure this decade will post huge insights and challenges in letting go, AND that leads me to my last point......

3. Surrender: This started in my brain as solely for pain. The need to surrender to it. To say fuck you pain, my life won't stop because of you. This is HARD for me, but the more I do it, the less my pain is and the less it stops me from doing things. It's all in the surrender. Then, I started to think about surrender in other places in my life. Surrender to people out there who don't make the same choices I do. It's not my job to convince you of anything. Surrender to my home. That it might get messy from time to time and thats ok. Surrender to the fact that I am a homebody and stop judging myself for being one. Surrender to the next decade. That I can only control my choices within it. Finally, surrender to the fact that I will never be the perfect everything to everyone. To be human is to be imperfect.

It, most times, takes a brick to fall on your head to examine the deep parts of your life but when you do, it can make your journey so much more rich.

Here's to 2020!